Inopportune Moments

The craziest things happened this year. All of them un-ex-pect-ed. 😳

In my world of checkmarks✅ and accomplishment-feel-goods, I had to sit🪑 a lot and take a good look at my life.

Why am I here? Seems kinda trite, right? A question of that magnitude probably shouldn’t be answered on the heels of a parent’s demise⚰️, nor on the outskirts of a Pandemic🦠, nor when one hasn’t slept well in weeks🥱. However, there I was, thank you, 2021, asking anyway. Because.

What I discovered was more than I bargained for.

I bet if you stopped to do the same, you might get more than you expected, too. (Heck, if you’ve already done it? Props. Totes high-fives. I’m proud of you. Because it sucks💔.)

No no no, I’m not bemoaning the beauty that comes out of our deep wonderings.

I’m just saying sometimes the feelings surrounding these “great moments” can get as tall as a tidal wave🌊. Washing us to utter oblivion until we’ve had a chance to splutter, cough up the water, gain our ‘north’ and ‘south’, and find out if our boots stayed on while we were drowning.

Yeah.

These… EMOTION… things🙄.

Deep throes of pain and joy and mixed-up-confusion-ness😭.

I’d like to call them my Inopportune Moments.

Because inside these emotional throbs a.k.a. Inopportune Moments, my most colorful me💢 came out.

Maybe you can relate?

Here we are, answering some of the deep prickle🌵 questions that give us a paradigm shift and turns🧭 our lives to head in the meaningful direction the Great Creator intended for us, and what are we doing?

  • Snapping at the Spouse😡
  • Crying over not being able to locate shoes
  • Getting rage-angry🤬 at the car we can’t pass
  • Leaving the house and bills to rot because CAN’T😵
  • Forgetting why it was important to fix hair
  • Grieving some obscure willy-nilly past event that we forgot hurt but are suddenly unable to stop thinking about😨

Inopportune Moments.

Where the blackness that still plagues my heart🖤 shows through.

Insecurities that fight the epiphany—fight the light, fight the freedom of my soul—pop up out of my heart terrain like daisies🌼.

2021 has been this sort of fight for me. (Yeah, there are always others. But it’s easiest to blog the pain-points that are starting to get better, right?)

The good news is I’m beginning to use new weapons against these Inopportune Moments (of being oh so human)… See my compiled-quicklike list below of said weaponry⚔️:

Weapon 1: Find the Joyful (if ye can🎵)

Point: Recall you’re working towards EPIC answers. When you get past this emotional spazz-out, what will you have? EPIC answers of deep ponderings. So stay the course and be glad. Ha ha. (You have to laugh or you’ll cry.😁)

Weapon 2: Pray a lot🙏 (what you did before ain’t enough)

Point: The best help is finding the presence of the Great Creator. When I feel emotions mounting into something bigger than an anthill, I stick my butt in my favorite big chair and start praying (also could read “talking to God”). I tell Him exactly what I’m feeling, tell Him how I need His help to not lose it, and ask for more peace🕊, grace, and patience. When I am most sincere, this action helps me breathe, and then God takes care of my attitude and hurts💙 in a way I can’t really explain here. I’m pretty sure He’d do it for you, too.

Weapon 3: Go back quickly & apologize (fool)

Point: Swallow the pride and say “I’m sorry. Please forgive me.” So this is my weapon after I’ve had an Inopportune Moment when I recall that I can be a jerk and hurt peoples’ feelings🤦🏻‍♀️. As soon as I see I’ve misstepped, misspoke, or mislead, I try to drop my pride and apologize with all my guts to the offended and to the Great Creator🙏. I know I can act like a fool. The only thing I can do is own the moment and not make it worse.

Weapon 4: Outsource pain (it’s toxic to hold for long)

Point: Don’t be a pain lake. Be like a river: let the pain out🐊. Expressing pain before it builds into a blowup sometimes means looking “breakdown-ish”, and sometimes means looking “lazy”, but here’s the point: do something to keep the pain flowing out and not building up🧱 on the inside. For me, it means journaling📝 like mad, sitting before God and others weeping😭 (if I can help it I try to keep it to just Him and I), arting out anger or sorrow on a canvas🎨, or writing something new and angsty💻.

So.

This’s my current battle strat.

It works, for now.

I’m not sure why I threw that in this post.

Maybe because I dislike posts that don’t give actionable somethings to me when I read😅.

Yeah.

That’s prolly it.

You’re welcome.

So, to recap.

No, I’m not going to tell you about how my “Why am I here?” wonderings turned out in this, nor all the other great stuff I pondered this year about life🌱, the afterlife👼, death☠️, probable relationship boundaries that are inherent❎ or anything else. But I am offering my strat for the EMOTIONS🎭 that come surrounding all these… ponderings.

You might look and check, because if your EMOTIONS are seemingly attacking🤺you, it just might be that one of these epiphany moments is occurring in your life and making itself known.

You’re not going down. Not going to drown🐋.

Get a strat. Keep to it.

Keep going.

Inopportune Moments make us human together🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏿🤷🏽‍♂️.

Well, keep it real.

And remember, the Creator of the Universe wants to know you♥️, and wants you to know Him through the Messiah…
(So you don’t have to Google it, I mean Jesus. Okay? Okay.)

Inspiration Series 02

Inspiration has been coming at me in a rush this year, so I’m feeling the need to do a blog over the ones that stick. I hope this series has some nuggets of “inspire” in it for you. 

My year started with a bang.

So much so, it would’ve been easy to hide from all the new things.

Many. Many much new things. (Bad grammar for emphasis.)

If it weren’t for the ongoing messages from Father God’s heart to mine about being brave.

And the messages were everywhere.

Delivered to me through people, comments, random things I’d see on social media, stuff I’d read, songs I’d hear (maybe I’ll dump ’em in a playlist for you later), things I’d think I’d hear in prayer, and through car sightings.

(Uh, yeah. Still haven’t figured out the car one fully, but get this: everywhere I look, I’m seeing Dodge Challengers. Yeah, that might not seem like anything to anyone else, but to me, that car is closely tied to NCIS: LA, and the big ex-Navy SEAL that drove it. One brave dude, always running toward trouble instead of away from it. Anyway, rabbit trail over.)

One of the inspiring messages about being brave came from Ps. Tim Ross.

I love listening to Pastor Tim because he is so real and raw and funny. And his voice inflections just bless me. A true Son, that one.

He gave a talk at the First Conference at my church on growth spurts and David and Goliath. I simply cannot get it out of my head!

Yeah, it inspired me that much.

It’s too good to not share.

And maybe you were needing a kick-in-the-pants dose of brave, too. So. Here.

I’ve skipped into one of my favorite parts of the talk. [Minute 21:34]

Watch the whole thing on YouTube if you get a spare forty minutes. 🙂

endkevianaelliot

Faithful

2019.

Reeling, I entered it being a funeral coffin.

That’s what I called myself for months, because that’s what I felt like after I miscarried our fourth baby.

I hated myself, my life, my enemy, my world, and my God.

Everything felt like death surrounding me.

I laid in bed, day after day, night after night, crying.
Hating.
Wishing.
Struggling.

I personally knew God’s goodness. His faithfulness. But at that point, I wrestled with why we’d lost another baby. Why He’d let this one die when I cried out for Him to save.

Enter God.

From January 10th until January 19th, He took me, His highly-visual Daughter, on a series of imaginings. Through a whirl of fictional situations, so vivid in my mind I had to write them down. He whispered to me a title and encouraged me to add names. He showed me a place in outer space and asked me to share in the conflict. Who was good, who was bad. And at the end of ten days, I knew.

I had a story perfectly etched of 40 days in the life of an orphan.

I started writing.
In the middle of the miscarriage pain.
In the throes of hormonal angst.
In the vastness of confusion.

I became focused on writing only, and I hated anything that got in the way of it. (Especially the sleepless nights that meant I wouldn’t be able to write well the following day.)

Then, something amazing happened.

Midway through the first 50,000 words, my review of what I’d written came to a halt in realization. I was my main character, and God was the father-figure. He was holding me in it all and helping me heal. Same as the father-figure helped my orphan chara.

Everything shifted for me.

From hate to understanding.

God stood with me in my pain.
So intimately and carefully, He’d helped craft a story to lovingly draw me into my healing.
Healing—not just from the miscarriage—but from my insecurities.
I cried more.

I’d been seen.

And I was held.
Loved.
Kept.
Known.

It was beautiful in a way only a loving God could give.

Speed up to December 31st of 2019. Here’s where I ended the year:

  • The hormonal-crazy of the miscarriage completely gone – yay!
  • God expanded the story from 40 days to 40 years
  • God brought me a bosom friend to co-write
  • Co-writer and I wrote 431,073+ words in one year

Y’all.

God met me that January where I lay, angry, bitter, sorrowful, and lost, and gave me what I needed, and stayed.

It’s so like Him to love like that.

So very like Him to meet me.

So very like Him to meet you.

So very like Him.

“I entrust my spirit into your hand.
Rescue me, Lord, for you are a faithful God.
” Psalms 31:5 (NLT*)

endkevianaelliot

 

*Scripture quotations are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright 1996, 2004, 2007, 2015 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.

Inspiration Series 01

Inspiration has been coming at me in a rush this year, so I’m feeling the need to do a blog over the ones that stick. I hope this series has some nuggets of “inspire” in it for you. 

Today’s bit inspired me to keep working on the things the Creator has outlined for me to keep my hands on.

Part of the reason I follow Love and the Outcome is because Jodi does such a beautiful job balancing her life as a Daughter of God, wife, mother, music artist, and master social media encourager. And when she doesn’t, she’s real about it and shares the pathway. The why, how, what, and trust she exudes is worth gold.

So, here’s the bit:

Mmm. So good.

Hit me right in the “Barbie schedule.” (My non-God-directed calendar plans. Pretty, but not up to Daughter Code.)

It was a friendly nudge to return to God weekly and daily to check what He wants going on.

Many hugs, y’all.

 

endkevianaelliot

Wanter Poem

My wanter is busted, or maybe it’s fine

But it pushes my feelers to so far behind

My wanter sees problems it desires to fix

Often my soul doesn’t want into that mix

The absurd and the costly, my wanter demands

I cringe at its focus, I drown in these lands

My wanter is busted, surely needs saving

Pushed along by it, my heart is done raving

God, please change my wanter to line up with You

Because it’s stuck with me, and You’re stuck with me, too

Just Don’t

Raw. Real. Reblogged. -KE

Krysten.Ivey

They say

…It is okay

Just Don’t

…that love is here

Just Don’t

…It wasn’t that bad

Just Don’t

…It is easy

Just Don’t

…someone else made it through

Just Don’t

…just move on

Just Don’t

…it is in your past

Just Don’t!!!

Do you even see me???

Hiding,

Hurting,

Ashamed,

Angry,

Dirty,

Damaged,

Broken,

Branded,

Shattered….

Take off the mask

Is it okay to scream?

Is it okay to cry?

Is it safe to trust?

Is it safe to surrender?

Is it okay to just be me?

….to take off the mask?

Dear God, I need your help.

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When Shattered – Phones and Other Things

Phone – My I.T. Girl opinion? I was stupid. I loved how the iPhone felt outside of its case. So that’s how I carried it around. One day, I have it on the dryer while I’m messing with laundry. Then I bumped it. Down to the tile it crashes. As soon as it hit: glass crackage. Right around the camera on the back. My soul let out a scream. I knew better and yet I shattered my phone. The only thing I could do was put it in an Otter Box to cover the glass splinters.

Strawberry Jam – My grasp on the small strawberry jam jar slipped. It may not seem like a big deal, but I love strawberry jam. And we were about out of its goodness. Almost out. (Like, all the household toast is about to cry.) BANG! The jar hit the tile on the bottom corner and then… Shatter shards allllll over the kitchen floor. At that point, you can’t eat it, even though part of the jar is sticking together thanks to the last bit of jam. No, no, no, it’s gone. Done. Sorry, toast, you’re left with butter alone.

Relationships – My INFJ ways are to let things sit while they are good. Then, once they aren’t, decide what to remedy and what to let fail. Unfortunately, I’ve always done this with people (and to this day fight to freaking. stop. it.) It starts with a friend going silent. Sometimes maybe I caused that. Then something doesn’t feel right, good, or nice about the relationship. Too late, I see the shattering, between them and I. A delayed gut-punch. All that’s left to wonder is, will friendship glue fix it, or am I too late? Usually, yes. I’m too late.

Feelings – Life happens. Someone dies. Hurt flares. Expectations are dashed. Pain of an argument that goes on and on, stretching the heart pain on for longer than a month. Peace is hard to hold within, because the “owie” overrides everything. Shattered insides much? All have been there. You might be reading this pointing at your own shatteredness in solidarity.

I get you.

A shattering can happen with anything, anytime. Job expectations. Kid expectations. Marriage expectations. Life expectations.

No one gets away unscathed.

My question is:

Who do we take our shattered parts to? Who really cares?

Does anyone really care?

I’m going to whisper this next part, because sometimes blog voices can get tart and snappish, and I’m not wanting that.

*whispers* 

I looked for answers. I really did. But I only found one who really cares.

Also is the only one can fix it: Jesus Christ of Nazareth.

Over and over I take the busted stuff in my life to Him, because I am surrendered to Him being the “fixer” in my life. He stood next to me when it happened, and He isn’t upset or mad.* He just wants to be trusted to help. He wants to be trusted to soothe. And He wants to be trusted as the One who never leaves.

He’s never been unfaithful to me. Because, yeah. Stuff shatters.

 

 

*Theologically, Jesus is in heaven after ascending to the Father and the Holy Spirit replaced Him on the earth, so God can still be lovingly with us, for those that care to invite Him in. Triune God = 3 in 1. If you have questions, first read the Book of John and the Book of Acts. Forgive the people that wear the name “Christian”… we are all busted and need our Savior. But He isn’t human. We mess up this Christian walk. He didn’t fail us. He’s perfect, so yeah. He “stood” next to me by the Holy Spirit within me; the Holy Spirit is my direct line to Jesus and God the Father, so artistic liberties on how I displayed it.

endkevianaelliot

Gratitude Series 04

The focus of this Gratitude Series is simple. I’m turning gratefulness and thankfulness over in my mind and heart, seeing what shakes loose. If you start a Gratitude Series, please let me know on my Facebook Author Page so I can visit it. Carry on.

Thoughts have brought me to the starting and ending places I find myself staring at.

I have lived through a lot…

My sisters being born. My Abuela’s death. A college friend taking his life. The aging of respected elders. The death of a writer friend, who left behind books unpublished. Miscarriages, amid a sea friends having children and raising children…

The cycle of life and death never ends. And it shan’t, until the Great Creator deems it will.

But I see it now. I can be grateful and thankful for this cycle.

I express gratitude over life on Earth.

I express gratitude over death portals. (Death portals is just a nice way to say the spirit departing a person, as is the order of things now until the next age.)

I express gratitude that Yeshua* took the keys of Death and Hell in fair exchange.

When I saw him, I fell at his feet like a dead man. He laid his right hand on me and said, “Don’t be afraid. I am the First and the Last, and the Living One. I was dead, but look ​— ​I am alive forever and ever, and I hold the keys of death and Hades.

Revelation 1:17-18 (Bible reference in the Christian Standard Bible version)

I express gratitude that Yeshua* is the Path to Life.

Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me, even if he dies, will live.

John 11:25 (Bible reference in the Christian Standard Bible version)

Jesus told him, “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.”

John 14:6 (Bible reference in the Christian Standard Bible version)

I express gratitude that in these things, I can rest, I can be at peace. One bigger than myself, bigger than all this, handles these things that I can’t control.

And for that, I can smile and say thank you.

 

 

*Yeshua is Christ Jesus’ Hebrew name.